Stayin Deece at 30,000 Feet

By Nate Flake


In the last 3 months I've flown more than I have in my entire life combined. The perk of working for Delta I guess. But along my travels I've come to find out the tricks of the trade and also the things that drive me insane. So I'm gonna take you from boarding the plane to leavin the airport, and everything in between.
So here we go...

1) Getting through security

There's a few parts of the security process that always seem to bug me.. And it's not the actual TSA agents or the fact that you have to take your belt off quicker than prom night that gets to me, but the passengers that don't seem to ever get it. First of all, it's unbelievable how many people don't understand that you can't take liquids to the gates.. You kidding me people this has been a rule forever! There's always some idiot throwing a huge fit because they have to throw away their half bottle of Dasani water in their hands an hold up the line. Then they always ask without fail "So I have to just throw it away then or what?" as if the guard is gonna say "you know what ma'am , go ahead I'll make an exception for you today, blow up the aircraft of your choosing".
Another thing that doesn't make sense is why people bum rush you when you're trying to get all your things in the tray .. Sometimes I'll just bend over for a good 5 or 6 seconds so the person feels super awkward and backs off.. Give me some space, sheeesh.


2) People who spread their stuff over 2 or 3 chairs

Your bag will be fine on the ground I promise. Don't put your backpack on the chair next to you and then your carry on another chair. People want to sit down when they get to a gate an hour early so don't be annoying and act like your backpack is more important than a human being.

3) People who crowd around the jetway waiting for your zone to be called

If I was flying with you and you got up to wait until they called your zone I would get up, walk over to you, and punch you right in the stomach. This is RIDICULOUS.. You have a seat assignment already! What's the point of crowding around like there's only 5 seats on the plane and first closest person to the jetway gets it. Stop this filthy habit if you are one of those people.


4) Ask about upgrading


You'd be surprised how cheap it is to upgrade to first class on some flights. But even if you don't have the intention of paying 50 bones to upgrade, sometimes they will randomly upgrade people if there's lots of open seats.  If they know you are interested they will probably get you in.

5) Ask for Ginger ale mixed with the cran-raspberry juice


This isn't a suggestion this is an order. Best drink on the planet (besides DP of course).

6) Person in the middle seat gets the armrests

Have some sympathy people. This person got screwed over in the leg room department and the nowhere to rest your head department, the least you can do is give up one of your two armrests.

7) Conversations


One of the worst mistakes you can make is engaging in a conversation with the person next to you. The only time you can do this is about 5 min before you land, otherwise you are stuck in awkward pauses the entire flight. I made the mistake last month of complimenting the kids shoes next to me on my way back from Moscow and because of my foolishness I endured a 4 hour convo with him filled with moments where I would almost have my headphones on and he would start up again. The only exception to this rule is if there is a deece girl next to you for all you single people.

8) No book club mid flight

This honestly happened to me literally 3 days ago.. I endured the first 3 chapters of Jane Eyre with very loud commentary from 3 noobs sitting behind me.

9) Getting off the plane

Same principle as lining up early for boarding... When the plane lands and everyone stands up, bending their necks cuz the ceiling is too low for a good 15 minutes before they get to move.. I laugh at these people.. Your all obviously going to get out relax they aren't gonna fire up the engines again and take off on the next flight mid-exiting.

10) Baggage claim

One thing I notice every time I get my bag off the carousel and it never gets old is watching people post up right against the carousel as if they know for sure their bag is gonna get there before yours. It's super awkward when you need to get your bag too because you have to kind of reach your arm between them and then if your lucky only a few people will move over. Just one of these times I wanna push one of these people over onto the carousel and stand in their spot.

Well that about does it for now.. I'm sure there's more small tips of the trade or annoyances when it comes to flying, you just gotta keep your eyes open for em next time your flyin.

Give me some feedback or I'm takin you off my top 8 on Myspace