The Secret to ACHIEVING goals like a BOSS!

I’ve been setting and failing to achieve goals since I was a kid.  Check out this list I found in an old notebook from 1998.  (age 10)

life goals
1 get merried in temple
2 be student body pres.
3 ----- A (straight A’s)
4 become movie writer/director
5 $$$$ get lots of $
6 become a Doctor/ 4 years only
7 have kids
8 pro soccer player

If ‘1998 Steve’ could meet ‘2012 Steve’, he would cry (not because '2012 Steve has failed to fulfill any and all of '1998 Steve's' awesome life goals, but because ‘1998 Steve’ was an unnaturally fragile and emotional boy).  If '2012 Steve' could meet '1998 Steve' he would tell him a super deece secret to achieving goals like a boss…Do you want to know what it is?

DON’T SET HARD GOALS.

I’ve only recently discovered this golden secret and I applied it to my Fall 2012 Semester goals.  In the past, I set semester goals such as "Get a 4.0" or  "Keep your room clean for 21 days" only to disappoint everyone.  This year, I made sure that I "don't set hard goals" and I gotta tell you, so far, I am killing it!  

Here's my list of goals with step by step instructions so you can achieve your goals like a boss too!

Goal #1:  NEVER talk to a girl if you think she is really attractive

                 Step 1: See a beautiful girl

Step 2: Don’t talk to her.

You can walk up to her, you can awkwardly stand next to her, even open your mouth as if you are about to say something but DON’T ACTUALLY SAY WORDS!

Goal #2:     Eat ice cream every day of the semester.

Step 1: Buy a ton of ice cream

Step 2: When you eat breakfast or lunch or dinner, lick your fork and then go dig into a carton of graham canyon.  You don’t have to eat a lot but if you want to then go for it.  I'm already on my second carton and I feel EXTREMELY DEECE.

Step 3:  You can eat frosties and stuff too.

 

Goal #3:    Be late for everything

Step 1:  Don't leave for class or whatever you're going to until like 5 minutes before it starts.

Step 2:  If church is about to start at 9:00 and you get there at 8:57 (happened) sit outside for a few minutes and tweet or look at posters in the hall or whatever just DON’T walk in!  Then, when it is a minute or more after the time you were supposed to be there (9:02), go to where you need to be(also happened).

Goal #4:     Watch “Freaks and Geeks” Season 1

No Steps: Just sit on your butt and don't fall asleep for a few hours and do it before the semester ends.

"How do you know if your goals are good goals?"

Follow this easy method to know if the goals you set are actually good goals:

Ask yourself, "Is this a hard goal?" 

If you answer "yes" DON'T DO IT!  

If you answer "no" then prepare to be a great success!

Good Luck and be sure to let me know about your progress.  I'll keep you updated on mine.  Together, we can achieve goals like a boss.

5 things that I wish were socially acceptable...but aren't

Society is lame and has dumb rules.  Here are 5 things that society should be down with but they aren't.  I ordered them in least likely to become a reality to most likely to become a reality.


1. Indoor Pantslessness


I'm just going to say what everyone is always thinking.  Pants are a HUGE burden and completely impractical!  They don't offer support like briefs.  They don't supply breathing like boxers.  So what are they for?  Why Pants?  I recognize that they protect humans from bugs and weather and probably dogs and stuff so I guess the real question is "Why pants indoors?"

  In an ideal culture/future, you will walk into a fancy restaurant and some Jeeves guy will say, "May I take your pants sir?"  You will slip them off and he will go hang them in the pants room and you can actually ENJOY your Grand Slam breakfast for once without the burden of eating with your pants on.

2.Heelys for All

Close your eyes and imagine something with me.  Or, I guess read this: You are late for class and there is a quiz!  Oh no!  What should you do?  Hours of reality TV and corn nuts have made you incapable of running for more than 40 yards without becoming VERY winded and it's not like you have tiny wheels in your shoes that allow you to---- Wait a minute!  You DO have tiny wheels on your shoes and you live in a society that accepts the fact that having little wheels on your shoes is: 
1) practical
2) awesome
3) super cool
4) convenient
5) fun
6) efficient
7) mighty deece
Seven THINGS!!!!
Not convinced?
Imagine attending a board meeting where everyone is 5 minutes early because they traveled so efficiently on tiny wheels on their shoes.  Imagine the U.S. military traveling twice as fast while using half the energy as they roll down the streets of Kabul.  NOT in a tank but on desert camo heelys.  America's enemies are petrified and surrender their weapons in exchange for this awesome technology. 
Wow!  Nobel Prize!  In a world of uncertainty it's nice to know one thing is certain: Heelys for All = World Peace

3.  Swirly back cowlick hairdo

At the turn of the millennium, some really cool, SUPER POWERFUL guy with a cowlick on his forehead started to tell people that having a cowlick on your forehead was mighty deece.  People believed him and have been molding little ski jumps out of their hair ever since.

 I wish the same thing would happen with the  swirly back cowlick.  I wish preppy kids would spend time each morning making the majority of their hair go one way and then some hairs in the back really flat and go the opposite way of all the other hairs.  We need someone to rise up and be the back cowlick champion.  But is there anyone deece enough to convince the world that having a little swirly cowlick thing on the back of your head is cool?

























This guy?

4.  Wear Cut off Sweats


















I realize that I will unfortunately, most likely, sadly never live to see an Indoor pantslessness society.  But, I am willing to compromise.  If you insist "society" on me wearing clothes, don't insist on them being uncomfortable.  Some Mr. Darcy long ago decided that the more uncomfortable your clothes, the more important and deece you are.
 Clothes person:  You want to look hip?  Here are some jeans that will be hard to put on and cut off the blood circulation in your legs." 
Lay person: "That sounds really uncomfortable."
Clothes person: "More than you can imagine."
Lay person: "Perfect!  I'll take four pair!"

 Mr. Mac Clothes Person:You have a job interview?  Here, wrap this fabric around your neck and make a BIG knot...Good now cinch it up tight on your Adam's Apple. 

Lay Person: This makes it really hard to breath and talk
Mr. Mac Clothes Person: "I know, right!  You are going to do GREAT in your interview."

Practical Alternative:  wear cut off sweat pants.  Everyone knows there is a strong correlation between more cut off sweat pants and:
1)less road rage
2)less complaining
3)more courtesy
4)more brotherly love
All these advantages (probably even more if scientists weren't so lazy about the research) would be ours if we just wore the most comfortable thing besides nothing which is of course cut off sweat pants. 
 If society would just focus on FEELING deece instead of LOOKING deece we would BE more deece. 




5. Listening to "Weird Al" Yankovic

 Weird Al is like Trick or Treating.  You hit a certain age (12 for me) and as much as you'd love to continue liking awesome things, society says "NO!  You're too old Peter Pan"  But let's be honest and reasonable here.  Is Weird Al funny?  Is Weird Al talented?    Do you remember UHF?  Wouldn't society be better if we listened to less songs about the club not being able to handle us right now and setting fire to the rain and more songs about eating too much pizza and pet ducks?


There are tons of other stuff that society should embrace but this is all I have for now.