Booth Etiquette

Whenever I go out to eat I hope the server will lead me to a booth. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I’ll even request it. I think from the servers’ point of view they prefer to serve at a table – easier to manage everyone and deliver the drinks. Anyway, there are essentially three different booths to consider.

First we examine the knights-of-the-round-table booth. You know what I’m talking about. It’s one long seat that bends into a large “C” so that there are two entrances. (Burger Supreme has one) These bad boys can fit anywhere between 4-12 people and are located in the corners of the restaurant. I’ve found that if a place is to house one of these behemoths they never have more than two. The rules are as follows:

1. Don’t be the first one in. If you are, you have to sit in the middle of everybody. Basically, it’s such an inconvenience to your company if you need to move that you are not allowed to leave until everyone else finishes. To avoid this terrible dilemma I will often recommend to my group that we grab a booth. Then, as I’m walking towards the “giant C” I’ll turn on my heels and excuse myself to use the bathroom. This way I’m guaranteed a spot on the end.

2. Keep your hands up on the table. With any luck this will enable your elbows to create more room for you. If you’re late on this maneuver then you might find yourself victim to some smarter, more agile neighbor. Think of this as the same problem you face when you go to the movies. That armrest belongs to you. You know this, but the fat guy in the seat next to you seems oblivious. Your only chance is to grab that armrest the second he leans over for his popcorn.

3. Conversations in this booth setting can be dominated by anybody. Since you’re so close and facing each other equally, it’s impossible to have separate conversations comfortably so get used to playing MC if you wish to speak.

The next type of booth is the insert-into-wall-here booth. These are by far my favorite. (Burger Supreme is FILLED with these) These babies have two rows of bench seating. The great part about this booth is that you’ve got a wall to lean against if you’re the first one in. Rules and regulations:

1. It seems to be the unwritten rule that whoever is the largest in the group has automatic dibs to the aisle spot. This however defies rational thought. It’s not an airplane where the aisle means more legroom. I guarantee that if you were to look in any one of these restaurants right now you would not see a single person with their feet jutting out into the aisle. The argument for the aisle spot should really be that whoever has a refillable fountain drink sits there as they will be getting up the most. Perhaps one would contend by saying that the largest individual more than likely has a fountain drink on his person. I would rebut that. Although this is true, they mostly end up getting the large drink size. A small guy like me gets a small drink. Therefore I will be getting up to refill far more than Mr. Bigman. Don’t worry if you do happen to get bullied out of the aisle spot though. As I mentioned earlier, the spot against the wall is great to lean on.

2. If you’re on a date please please please sit next to her. Imagine the double date scene where there are two guys on one side and two girls on the other. It looks like a speed-dating table. Super lame. Plus, you want to make faces at your buddy when your date says something totally stupid. If it’s a one-on-one date I prefer to be on the same side. That way you can have close time (you know, maybe throw your arm around her). Also, if you run out of good conversation you can at least make small-brained comments about other couples in the restaurant as you people watch together.

The last type of Booth is the John Wilkes Booth. John was an actor and likely was a major drama-queen. He shot Lincoln in the back of the head. Don’t associate with any John Wilkes Booths.