VOLUNTARY PARALYSIS

The location is deep space. It has been 700 years since the people of Earth had to abandon their home and seek refuge among the stars due to unlivable pollution levels on Earth. The situation so concisely described is none other than the setting of Disney’s Wall-E. When our hero, the lone janitor, meets up with the humans aboard their space-aged cruiseliner he finds a population that has lost touch with its once prime physique. The 700 year journey and subsequent vacation conditions has turned man into an obese, non-walking race. Everyone travels around in these hovercraft type chairs set in a reclined position.

A recent trip to Disneyworld has jostled the gears in my mind and made me reflect upon this movie. The location is your hometown. The time is now. There are obese people and people teetering on the edge of fat and obese cruising around in “assisted mobility” scooters. I don’t think I’ve ever seen more assisting scooters in one place as I did in Disneyworld. Then again, I’ve been attending college for the past several years and haven’t been in too many places where people of all ages are forced to stand. Is this what the normal demographic of our nation has produced? Could my sample have been skewed? Do fat people just love Disney?

The individuals I saw on scooters can be sorted into a few categories:

1. Old and arthritic

2. Broken or injured leg people

3. Fat but no fatter than a lot of people you see walking around

4. Fat with butt hanging over the seat, needs to buy 2 airplane seats

5. Obese to the point where the belly is steering the scooter and you wonder how they were ever able to get in there in the first place

Honestly, in my opinion I would say the only people allowed to have a scooter should be 1’s, 2’s, and 5’s. And seriously, the elderly really should be at some buffet surrounded by other old people where they can enjoy each others’ company and the nostalgia of the roarin 20’s.

The other fat people described above can definitely make due without a scooter. It’s just as difficult for them to get around as it is for me. Seriously, we’re not asking them to climb a mountain – just to cross a park. I don’t want to live in a world where I scoot over to my best friend and ask, “Do you remember when we used to treasure our legs?” The fat scooter population is exercising voluntary paralysis. To drive the point home I will cite an experience I had at Disney. It was noon and the sun was beating down on my pale skin. My family had just arrived at The Crystal Palace for our lunch reservations. I was super excited because 1.) Winnie the Pooh was in there giving autographs and 2.) it was a much talked about buffet. While I waited outside I noticed a fat lady scooting her way up the ramp to the front door. She parked her scooter, got a table, and got up several times to refill her plate WITH HER LEGS. She must have travelled 3 quarters of the park just in the restaurant alone. She definitely didn’t need a scooter. However, give her a few years of that behavior and then she’ll fall in with the #5 crowd. I’ll tell you right now, once you sit down in one of those things it’s extremely tough to get out of it. I mean that both physically and mentally.

So, what can we do to prevent a future filled with voluntary paralysis? I mean this is your future! No pun intended, but we need to take a stand. Forget occupy wall street, we need to occupy the street. That’s fine and dandy for making sure we don’t become fat ourselves but there are weaker humans who will succumb to a life of constant sitting. How do we discourage this behavior? Back in the day there was this tactic known as bullying and it worked really well. Once upon a time I was a super big dork. I sported a huge part, wore cargo pants everywhere, and talked about super boring, irrelevant things. Criticism goes a long way. Criticism and the examples of others. Seriously though – fat people need to know it’s not ok. No more blaming “factors being our control.” It’s time that pudgy finger pointed in the right direction – pressed firmly into the man boob of the culprit himself.

Public Servant Announcement

When I was a wee lad, no older than 5, my uncles ingrained into me a knee jerk reaction. Like one of Pavlav's mutts, I was trained to yell a three-word phrase whenever I saw certain types of people.

I remember walking through the grocery store with my uncles and my aunt when one of my uncles pointed and said, "Look Steven. A police man!" I chased him down. My aunt was close behind. She knew what I was up to and threatened me with terrible punishments if I yelled at the police officer.

I got within 5 feet of the public servant, took a deep breath and yelled, "I SMELL B---" my aunt covered my mouth. Which I easily thwarted by licking her hand. She could only stand it for so long and the second my mouth was free, and between my gasping for air because I was laughing so hard at myself I got the phrase out, "I SMELL BACON!"

Fast forward 3 months later. My mom and I walk out of a warehouse and standing in the parking lot is a security guard. My mouth started to salivate as the bell in my head rang. We passed through the big parking lot to our van. I opened the van door but before getting in, I took a deep breath and yelled, "IIIII SMELLLLL BACONNN!"

My mother was shocked. It was as if I had dropped the F-bomb. She drove me over to the security guard even though I begged her not to and warned her, in between my sobs, that if she did I would be arrested and taken to jail. The cop accepted my very sincere apology and ever since, I have given the upmost respect to police officers. Even BYU cops. I respect them as much as people respect firefighters.

The untouchable public servant...The Firefighter.

I have an uncle who used to be a firefighter which should somehow give me a little credibility for what I am about to say. How often do firefighters run into a burning building? I don't really know. What I do know is that most firefighters spend most of their time sitting around the station playing X-box and occasionally drive to different locations when someone calls 911. (Every 911 call requires a police car, an ambulance, and a fire vehicle to respond even if it is a robbery call) Is their service respectable? Absolutely. Is it needed? Of course. Does their service influence spread over most of society? I don't think so and I know their service doesn't reach as much of the public as that of police officers. I can guarantee you have been influenced for good because of a police officer even if he was simply blowing a whistle and poorly guiding traffic. I can't tell you the last time my house caught on fire.

Here is the irony.

Firefighters are untouchable heros who can't be hated on. You might as well hate on children with leukemia or burn an American flag. Which is why I want to make it clear that I am not hating on Firefighters. They risk their lives to help others a lot more than a computer engineer or a dentist.

Do firefighters risk their lives nearly as much as a police officer?

I would say no. I would also say that overall, police officers do more good for society than firefighters do and they probably risk their lives a lot more often as well.

Yet, hating on cops is like hating on taxes. Little punk 5 year olds are running around yelling, "I smell bacon!"

I guess we need to all stop hating cops the same way we all stopped hating Snape.

What’s In a Good Friend?

What qualities and characters do a good friends have? I wanted to jot down a quick list of 5 qualities you want in your friends. All of these qualities are aptly named for a friend that inspires me.

1 The Snyder quality- the friend that will patiently listen to you and let you complain and talk about your problems. I would always call Snyder in high school and even in college to vent or complain about my problems like why won’t girls respond to my late night texts like wanna watch a movie? ;) ? Or how long is too long for my back hair? Everyone needs a friend that will listen to them.

2. The Sardoni quality- this is the friend that is just hilarious that will make you laugh in any situation. Like the time he ate 2 Del Taco bean and cheese burritos at Sammy Hansen’s baptism. This is the friend you can hang out with in any setting and you know you’re going to laugh and have a good time.

3. The Tyler Smith (Owl) quality-

This is the friend who’s dependable and you can always count on in a bind. Like for example in high school late one night I chased out of a house by 2-3 men with a malicious intent (don’t ask what happened) and as I was sprinting from my pursuers I saw Tyler jogging for his own recreation. I gave him a quick hoot and he jogged over and ran with me for 2-3 miles until I eluded my pursuers and later the police. I don’t think I would of made it if he wasn’t there.

4. The AJ quality-

Growing up AJ was always the guy that had the thing you needed or wanted. For example his freezer was always full of frozen pizzas and Jimmy Dean Breakfast sandwiches. He also had a pinball machine, waterbed, all of the Zelda games and a shake machine. Also he had a King Cab Truck (you could at least ten guys and a 2 love sacs in the back of that truck ) and a pool. You couldn’t go wrong he had everything you wanted. AJ was always there with something you needed and his pool would always be open on the hottest of summer days.

5. The Sehcrest Quality -

Now one thing you want is to have a friend who’s always down for anything. Whether it’s hiking Mount Timpanogas, sneaking into your old high school teacher’s class room to change your grade, or that will come with you to hang out with some crazy chicks you met on Myspace. This type of friend is always up for it. This quality is aptly named for Sehcrest who’s always down for anything with anyone.

How much is in a baker's dozen?

The answer is: 11.


A baker's dozen, is eleven. In the early Middle Ages bakers would often pawn off a eleven loaves of bread for dozen to keep their profits high and to provide an extra treat for themselves. The perception and description of bakers in the media today is further evidence of this. Bakers in children's cartoons are depicted as large jovial men. They are so plump and jolly because they have tricked so many people in purchasing one of their bakers' dozens. Then after the sale, they would greedily devour the extra loaves of bread. Thus, be wary and watch your local baker closely next time your purchasing a dozen of something, because you surely don't want a baker's dozen.

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_much_is_a_baker's_dozen_11_12_13_24#ixzz1SrQB77du

Stayin Deece at 30,000 Feet

By Nate Flake


In the last 3 months I've flown more than I have in my entire life combined. The perk of working for Delta I guess. But along my travels I've come to find out the tricks of the trade and also the things that drive me insane. So I'm gonna take you from boarding the plane to leavin the airport, and everything in between.
So here we go...

1) Getting through security

There's a few parts of the security process that always seem to bug me.. And it's not the actual TSA agents or the fact that you have to take your belt off quicker than prom night that gets to me, but the passengers that don't seem to ever get it. First of all, it's unbelievable how many people don't understand that you can't take liquids to the gates.. You kidding me people this has been a rule forever! There's always some idiot throwing a huge fit because they have to throw away their half bottle of Dasani water in their hands an hold up the line. Then they always ask without fail "So I have to just throw it away then or what?" as if the guard is gonna say "you know what ma'am , go ahead I'll make an exception for you today, blow up the aircraft of your choosing".
Another thing that doesn't make sense is why people bum rush you when you're trying to get all your things in the tray .. Sometimes I'll just bend over for a good 5 or 6 seconds so the person feels super awkward and backs off.. Give me some space, sheeesh.


2) People who spread their stuff over 2 or 3 chairs

Your bag will be fine on the ground I promise. Don't put your backpack on the chair next to you and then your carry on another chair. People want to sit down when they get to a gate an hour early so don't be annoying and act like your backpack is more important than a human being.

3) People who crowd around the jetway waiting for your zone to be called

If I was flying with you and you got up to wait until they called your zone I would get up, walk over to you, and punch you right in the stomach. This is RIDICULOUS.. You have a seat assignment already! What's the point of crowding around like there's only 5 seats on the plane and first closest person to the jetway gets it. Stop this filthy habit if you are one of those people.


4) Ask about upgrading


You'd be surprised how cheap it is to upgrade to first class on some flights. But even if you don't have the intention of paying 50 bones to upgrade, sometimes they will randomly upgrade people if there's lots of open seats.  If they know you are interested they will probably get you in.

5) Ask for Ginger ale mixed with the cran-raspberry juice


This isn't a suggestion this is an order. Best drink on the planet (besides DP of course).

6) Person in the middle seat gets the armrests

Have some sympathy people. This person got screwed over in the leg room department and the nowhere to rest your head department, the least you can do is give up one of your two armrests.

7) Conversations


One of the worst mistakes you can make is engaging in a conversation with the person next to you. The only time you can do this is about 5 min before you land, otherwise you are stuck in awkward pauses the entire flight. I made the mistake last month of complimenting the kids shoes next to me on my way back from Moscow and because of my foolishness I endured a 4 hour convo with him filled with moments where I would almost have my headphones on and he would start up again. The only exception to this rule is if there is a deece girl next to you for all you single people.

8) No book club mid flight

This honestly happened to me literally 3 days ago.. I endured the first 3 chapters of Jane Eyre with very loud commentary from 3 noobs sitting behind me.

9) Getting off the plane

Same principle as lining up early for boarding... When the plane lands and everyone stands up, bending their necks cuz the ceiling is too low for a good 15 minutes before they get to move.. I laugh at these people.. Your all obviously going to get out relax they aren't gonna fire up the engines again and take off on the next flight mid-exiting.

10) Baggage claim

One thing I notice every time I get my bag off the carousel and it never gets old is watching people post up right against the carousel as if they know for sure their bag is gonna get there before yours. It's super awkward when you need to get your bag too because you have to kind of reach your arm between them and then if your lucky only a few people will move over. Just one of these times I wanna push one of these people over onto the carousel and stand in their spot.

Well that about does it for now.. I'm sure there's more small tips of the trade or annoyances when it comes to flying, you just gotta keep your eyes open for em next time your flyin.

Give me some feedback or I'm takin you off my top 8 on Myspace

Please, No Autographs

Recently, more than a few public education programs have decided to stop teaching children cursive, claiming the skill to be irrelevant and impractical. Personally, I am outraged!

How will the next generation survive Middle School where, "all of your assignments will need to be written in cursive and in pen" (Mrs. Bowen, my 3rd grade teacher).

How will the cashier know if you really are who you say you are if she doesn't have a signature on a receipt to examine and compare to the one on the back of your credit card?

Worst of all, what happens when my future child and I go to Disneyland and we see his favorite character from the Little Mermaid? "Oh Ariel!," my son will say, "You are an explosion of sex appeal! I would love to remember this magical moment forever by having you sign your name in this autograph book." Imagine the heartache my son will feel and the embarrassment young Ariel will feel, as she tells my son that she can't autograph his book because her school thought teaching cursive wasn't worth several hours of a six hour school day repeated over the majority of 180 school days during a child's most impressionable year of school.
Not even a mermaid would want to be part of that world.

I'll be honest. I could have gone without learning to divide without a calculator (when will I ever have that constraint?) and I never learned much from watching educational videos*. To my 3rd grade mind, Bill-Nye the science guy was way too white for me to give any credibility to what he was teaching and was I really supposed to take literature advice from this guy?

But while we are on the subject, can you think of a better cop out than a teacher putting in an educational video? Even a 9 year old could see through that one. Then, as the credits are rolling, the teacher says, "Okay kids. Now you will work on a craft to give to your mother while I read you a Roald Dahl book. That could maybe qualify as productive, having someone read to you out loud. My teacher had the book on tape and she had the "class president" press play.

I actually respect elementary school teachers a lot and slamming them is not my prerogative. All I want to say is, the majority of class time in public schools is wasted. Why not waste it learning cursive?

*In 10th grade, my biology teacher put in the video sexual encounters of the floral type to teach the class about pollination. Just watch the first 90 seconds of this thing. What's with the narrator's voice? The background music? Who funded this project?

Living with Animals

For a very short time, as a child, I longed for a pet. My sister and I would beg and beg our parents but it would always come down to one argument: “If we get a pet dad will have to take a bunch of shots for his allergies.” –Mom-

Right after Sarah and I graduated 1^st grade my sister inherited a hermit crab from her teacher. (When we said pet, we meant something with fur) Sarah was put under “extreme trust” for the classroom pet. In reality it was the teacher’s solution on how to save a few gallons of water from flushing the fella down the toilet at the end of the school year. Anyway, we’d hardly had the thing for a month when it up and died while vacationing at the Jersey shore. My sister bawled for hours and reluctantly sent her teacher a note describing the horrifying situation. Long story short – the teacher could not have cared less.

From that moment on we became a hermit crab family. Talk about a boring pet! All day long they would stay in their shells completely immovable. When it was time for bed the lights would go out and it was party time! About twenty minutes into lights-out I would begin to hear the craggling of rocks being shifted to make room for the mighty legs of the h-crab. Excitedly I would jump out of bed and flip on the lights to catch a piece of the action. Unfortunately the crab would be back in its shell, displaced by about three quarters of an inch. Again… literally the most boring pet in the world.

I had two great friends when I was younger. They both had dogs. One dog was tiny, white, and high on crack cocaine. The other was tall, skinny, and poodle crazy. Needless to say, I was terrified. Whenever I would sleepover at one of their houses I would lie awake all night waiting to be devoured. I wished for all the world that everyone had a harmless hermit crab as a pet. These sleepless nights instilled within my young self the mindset that one in four dogs were insane. For the most part, that gave me reason to avoid dogs altogether. It just wasn’t worth the risk.

As I got older and realized how easily I could kill a dog if it went rouge, my irrationalities disappeared. I now decided I didn’t like dogs simply because they were always up against my shins demanding attention. Oh yeah, and also they poop in very inconvenient locations. Juxtapose this with the demeanor of the cat. The cat stays out of your way most of the time unless it needs something, it’s relatively small, and best of all it buries its filth.

If asked how I currently feel about having a pet I would have to say that I’m against it. Movies like “Marley and Me” cannot sway me. I may have never seen it but I’m pretty sure I caught the gist of it. If any movie is going to persuade me to get into the pet scene it’s going to be “Airbud.” An animal that can create positive profits if exploited… I’m down! I could also see myself getting a pet if I have kids and these conditions hold:

(Total costs of pet + Nuisance of pet) ≤ (Movies distracting from fact that kids still do not have pet) ≤ (Cost of toys for kids + Nuisance of complaints for a pet)

Your thoughts?

Tragedy of the Commons

Today in my two and a half hour HUM 201 class I decided to think about something I enjoy for once – ECONOMICS. There are two sides to the economics coin. On one hand you have macro: the study of the big picture. How will an increase in the nation’s money supply affect aggregate demand? The other side of the coin deals with micro: the study of why people do what they do. How does an increase in the price of a good affect the quantity consumed? This part of economics is super interesting; it includes “would you rather” questions and game theory.

Part of the microeconomics framework studies how individuals use and react to public goods. A public good is something loaded with externalities. For instance, think of a road. If one person pays to fix it up everyone benefits at no cost to them. Thus, if left to individuals to take care of, it will become run down. That’s why we pay road taxes and the gov’t takes care of it. The same goes for an army. If I hire an army to protect me I have inadvertently protected my neighbors as well. If I can’t get my neighbors to pay me for the service I might as well sit this one out and wait for one of them to hire an army. Thus no one hires an army and we get taken over by Canada. Again, this is why we have a national army paid for by our tax dollars.

Public goods tend to get abused. There was an instance back in the day when folks discovered an island full of giant stone heads but devoid of people. For a long time no one knew where the people went who created them. Then, like revelation from heaven, light shone on the situation. The natives, not to dissimilar from us, had an island with limited resources to live off of. Wanting to get more than their neighbors they became gluttonous and “fished out the pond.” Turns out that they didn’t leave enough behind to sustain the island indefinitely and they all died. Well why should I take less? What ensures my neighbor will take less? It was too much of a public good. Historians and economists call this the “Tragedy of the Commons.”

Two years ago one of my roommates thought it would be a good idea for all of us to pitch in $20 a week and pool it to buy in bulk from Costco. This would give us a shared food supply that, if divided evenly, would be more than we could buy on our own. There were four of us in total - two of us economists. We (the economists) immediately sensed a bad idea but after some coercing we decided to “give it a try.” It was like tragedy of the commons all over again except amplified by the appetites of 21 year old boys. The food was never actually divided up which was most likely the biggest pitfall. Each of us wanted to make sure they ate $20 worth of food each week. In fact, if we could eat $30 worth of food we would feel accomplished as if we’d beaten the system. One of us is a big milk drinker. To make sure I was drinking equally as much as him I had to increase my normal milk consumption fourfold. Everyone followed suit. The food and milk ran out extremely fast. After a few weeks of testing the results looked like this:

-mean: food lasting a total of 4 days

-standard deviation: 1 day

In the vernacular the food would last anywhere between 3-5 days (68% chance). As you might have guessed, we switched off of the bulk-buying program and our individual, lessened food supply lasted longer. Even though we no longer are faced with the tragedy of the commons we have not escaped the public good dilemma of doing dishes and keeping the front room clean.

Too Deece for "Deece"?

One of the proudest moments of my life so far was walking down a street in Russia (oh no he better not be talking about his mission I hate when people talk about their missions! .... Relax people) and Chase T. and I saw a group of kids running towards us yelling "Layhees" in an awful Russian accent. A few days earlier they asked us what the worst swear word was in English and that's what we gave them. But at least some LP terminology had finally made it's way into the former Soviet Union.
Although these crazy teens were lovin the lingo (mostly because they thought they were cursing at us) there are some people who are against the words and phrases from our youth. Another story to get my point across: a long time ago in a little spring break haven called St George I was with my friends cruisin boulevard on our way to get some lunch. A girl that I will refer to as "chili cheese dog" was sitting in the back seat with us. We passed a tennis court and I told one of the guys that the next day we needed to play tennis so I could "dom" him. Out of nowhere chili cheese dog came undone and started yelling at me about how I need to "grow up and stop using that immature lingo!" .. The person driving slammed on the brakes, my friend in the drivers seat turned his iPod to "Why don't you get a job" by the Offspring, and by the third line in the song that chili cheese dog was out of the car waiting for another ride. Google the lyrics if you have any questions.
So the reason I use this story is to show that some people aren't down with lingo of our peers. Not only that but a lot of people weren't down with high school in general. We all know the type. They want to get as far away from their hometown as soon as possible. When there was a facebook event posted for our 5 year reunion recently I felt like I was reading the dialogue on Dr. Phil. Some of these people have issues.
I think we can assume that one of the following reasons is fueling this hatred these people have for our beloved World Class high school experience:
1: They had to park on the "band" side of the parking lot
2: They didn't take Gowan's floral design class (or any Gowan's class)
3: They never stepped a foot into Gandolfo's during an assembly
4: They never got a glimpse of Schoon's wife
5: They lost in an arm wrestle to Moe
6: They took chorus
7: They got LSAL'd by Tim Garlick
8: They took Mrs Daltons class seriously
9: They thought the winner of Prom royalty could use it on their transcript
10: They were scarred by C Barks potty mouth

I could keep going but I'll let you finish the list in your spare time. It just comes down to the fact that a lot of noobs look back with bitterness at high school cuz they think that it was ruined for them by other people. Well I say that it's your own fault if you didn't like high school and you have no one to blame but yourself. If you don't think it's possible to have had a good time and make good memories in high school just ask Kelsey Yeager.. Or her daughter.. I mean niece.

By Nathan Duane Flake

Booth Etiquette

Whenever I go out to eat I hope the server will lead me to a booth. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I’ll even request it. I think from the servers’ point of view they prefer to serve at a table – easier to manage everyone and deliver the drinks. Anyway, there are essentially three different booths to consider.

First we examine the knights-of-the-round-table booth. You know what I’m talking about. It’s one long seat that bends into a large “C” so that there are two entrances. (Burger Supreme has one) These bad boys can fit anywhere between 4-12 people and are located in the corners of the restaurant. I’ve found that if a place is to house one of these behemoths they never have more than two. The rules are as follows:

1. Don’t be the first one in. If you are, you have to sit in the middle of everybody. Basically, it’s such an inconvenience to your company if you need to move that you are not allowed to leave until everyone else finishes. To avoid this terrible dilemma I will often recommend to my group that we grab a booth. Then, as I’m walking towards the “giant C” I’ll turn on my heels and excuse myself to use the bathroom. This way I’m guaranteed a spot on the end.

2. Keep your hands up on the table. With any luck this will enable your elbows to create more room for you. If you’re late on this maneuver then you might find yourself victim to some smarter, more agile neighbor. Think of this as the same problem you face when you go to the movies. That armrest belongs to you. You know this, but the fat guy in the seat next to you seems oblivious. Your only chance is to grab that armrest the second he leans over for his popcorn.

3. Conversations in this booth setting can be dominated by anybody. Since you’re so close and facing each other equally, it’s impossible to have separate conversations comfortably so get used to playing MC if you wish to speak.

The next type of booth is the insert-into-wall-here booth. These are by far my favorite. (Burger Supreme is FILLED with these) These babies have two rows of bench seating. The great part about this booth is that you’ve got a wall to lean against if you’re the first one in. Rules and regulations:

1. It seems to be the unwritten rule that whoever is the largest in the group has automatic dibs to the aisle spot. This however defies rational thought. It’s not an airplane where the aisle means more legroom. I guarantee that if you were to look in any one of these restaurants right now you would not see a single person with their feet jutting out into the aisle. The argument for the aisle spot should really be that whoever has a refillable fountain drink sits there as they will be getting up the most. Perhaps one would contend by saying that the largest individual more than likely has a fountain drink on his person. I would rebut that. Although this is true, they mostly end up getting the large drink size. A small guy like me gets a small drink. Therefore I will be getting up to refill far more than Mr. Bigman. Don’t worry if you do happen to get bullied out of the aisle spot though. As I mentioned earlier, the spot against the wall is great to lean on.

2. If you’re on a date please please please sit next to her. Imagine the double date scene where there are two guys on one side and two girls on the other. It looks like a speed-dating table. Super lame. Plus, you want to make faces at your buddy when your date says something totally stupid. If it’s a one-on-one date I prefer to be on the same side. That way you can have close time (you know, maybe throw your arm around her). Also, if you run out of good conversation you can at least make small-brained comments about other couples in the restaurant as you people watch together.

The last type of Booth is the John Wilkes Booth. John was an actor and likely was a major drama-queen. He shot Lincoln in the back of the head. Don’t associate with any John Wilkes Booths.

Secrets of Male Psychology?

Secrets of Male Psychology

Last Thursday I decided to attend institute since my scriptures are getting pretty dusty and because I figured I could use the spiritual nourishment. Most of the classes were full because my friend and I arrived a little late, but finally we saw some empty seats in the back of a classroom. We took our seats and we’re greeted by our instructor a 30 something single woman. After lamenting about how difficult dating is at her age, her exact words were “at my age dating is like picking which vial of poison to swallow”. Our instructor then explained that she feels because she’s been called to help us learn about covenants that in turn she needs to help us make covenants such as marriage. We were then given the handout above:

This handout was compiled a so called relationship expert in Provo. I wanted to run through male psychology section of the handout and comment and give my take on what is presented. Later we’ll have a women run through and comment on the secrets of Female Psychology. I think it’s safe to assume that I don’t understand either feminine psychology or anatomy very well at all (just ask my friends they’ll tell you the story…) therefore I’m not going to even attempt to comment on it.

17 Secrets of Male Psychology

1. Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected.

Yes, I think this is true everyone values and wants such relationships. No one wants a relationship with someone who nags and puts them down except for the contestants on the Biggest Loser.

2. Men love through sacrifice.

Yes I do think this is probably true. I think guys pride themselves on what they will do for whoever they’re with. Most men are inherently whipped, we will often pride ourselves for how much time we spend on our significant other. But we all need to make sure we’re correctly walking that fine line from giving and being controlled. There comes a point where one person may be too demanding of another person’s time, ie high maintenance girls.

I’ve been in a relationship before ( I am not making this up) where I was expected to drop whatever I was doing at a moment’s notice to kill a daddy long leg, or in another case to bring fruit snacks to sacrament meeting because the girl I was dating felt a little peckish. Be careful to walk this line and make sure it’s a healthy relationship where the girl isn’t demanding far more from you in the relationship than you’re willing to give.

3. Men are largely logical about their relationships and commitment. Thus, they do not commit easily to things they have not invested in over a period of time.

We definitely don’t think emotionally (though there are exceptions such as Travis Olsen or Congressman Jim Boehner). We weight the cost and benefits of every relationship we are in. If it’s not positive we’re not going to stick it out. I don’t really think we develop the emotional attachment nearly as fast as women. This is why after a guy and a girl kiss late one night or have a NCMO (I apologize for using that acronym) they don’t really think much of it and have little commitment afterwards. While girls develop a much a greater emotional attachment and are later heartbroken when they realize they guy they kissed last night isn’t talking to them or texting them sweet nothings. I have a certain friend who hasn’t been “ready” to realize this and has been hurt dozens of times because of such a situation.

4. Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer.

Most guys enjoy sports and competing in one form or another. Our society in America especially stresses and values competition and as Charlie Sheen says “winning”. Most guys don’t like feeling inferior and thus they always want to win. For example, my friend AJ was dating a lovely girl, Katie Hill, in high school. Katie was very athletic and in great shape. AJ was not. AJ was always stressed when they did any types of sporting activities. Katie always dominated AJ no matter what activity they participated in whether it was Frolf, swimming, or mini-golf. AJ was embarrassed and lost his confidence around her and that’s probably why she later broke up with him…

5. Men like women who like themselves.

If a girl is confident and comfortable with herself, I think she’ll get far more compliments than if she’s not. No one likes a girl who’s fishing for compliments. It’s always awkward (have you ever noticed how awkward it gets if a girl is fishing for a compliment and you give her one?) and the compliments aren’t as sincere or meaningful. I agree that guys need to do better complimenting girls but fishing for compliments isn’t going to help.

6. Men love to be heroes.

It’s a little ridiculous but totally true. Guys love to be a hero do the hard things or show off their ability. A guy may be an awful boyfriend, and never do the little courteous things like open doors, give compliments, or be there for whomever he’s dating but he’ll jump for a chance to be a hero. Whether the heroism is such an act as changing a girl’s tire, moving the impossibly heavy dresser, or protecting a girl from a creeper most dudes will gladly strut forward to be a “hero”.

7. Men like being appreciated.

Everyone likes being appreciated, this one’s obvious.

8. Men like femininity.

Yeah surprisingly I think this is true. Men appreciate girly girls. I think a lot of guys have a feminine side which they only feel comfortable expressing in the presence of women. For example, I would never get a facial or a pedicure but when in the company of girls I’ve done so twice ha. Those experiences were great and a lot of fun but there is no chance I’d ever go again by myself or with other guys. But if two Beautiful Daughters of God (BDOGS) ask me to go, then I just might.

9. Men like women who have opinions and assert their needs.

Some girls dispute this and maybe some loser guys want girls who are vapid and don’t communicate I don’t know. However, I really think this is something to value. Girls who are like this may be a little more intimidating, but they are usually more fun to talk to and easier to understand and work with.

10. Good men pursue women who are approachable and appear to be available.

I don’t know what to think about this one. Of course guys love it when girls come to them and make it easy to pursue them. However, I like it and I often find myself attracted to girls who aren’t as approachable and more difficult to talk to. Maybe some guys are attracted to girls who don’t like them or they like the challenge of charming such girls?

11. Good men want sex with a woman who feels good about having sex with them and will wait until marriage.

As a dude mostly practicing abstinence, I can’t really comment on this one.

12. Men need to be needed.

This is another basic one. Everyone wants to be needed and involved in other people’s lives. People are social creatures and crave the interaction and dependence on one another. Most guys want and pride themselves on the fact that other people (especially women) need them. No secret here.

13. Men are repelled by criticism, nagging, and whining.

Any boy with a mother will agree with this one. No secret here.

14. A man experiences anxiety in every conversation a woman initiates until she tells him what to do.

I don’t know about this one. This is like saying every guy gets nervous when a girl just wants to make chit chat. I do agree that when a girl talks to us about something we are often looking for a solution or an action with what they are doing. So often I’ve been in conversations with girls who want to vent or are describing a particular situation in their life. When I suggest a variety of solutions, they usually shut disregard most of them. Girls more often than guys just want to talk things out and receive sympathy. While I think men mostly just want answers and solutions.

15. Men bond through doing activities and talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas.

Yes this is definitely true, although guys love to joke and hear people laugh at what they say, they usually prefer to be doing something instead of just chatting. Although it happens that I’ll often sit around and joke with a group of guys we almost always need something to be doing in the meantime, whether it’s eating a breakfast burrito, playing bball, powerboxing our 9^th grade Biology teacher Mrs. Meyer’s house, or watching TV. It’s more comfortable for guys to bond with girls if they are actually doing something.

16. Good men adore women who give them love, attention, and affection.

Another obvious one. Any person adores people who love them and give them affection. I don’t know why the author says “Good Men”, I think bad men would also love and adore women who show them that affection. For example, the bad man ruling Libya Mohammer Al Qadaffi or surrounds himself with dozens of mistresses who admire him. No secret here.

17. Good men are often willing to talk openly and honestly when they feel it will help them or another person.

Any reasonable person should be willing to talk openly and honestly to their friends and loved ones when they need to. No secret here

Musings on the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary

I wouldn’t really say I’m partisan when it comes to politics but I love watching the game play out. So far as nearly everyone in Utah knows Mitt Romney is in the running for the republican nominee in 2012. But there are several other candidates running for Republican presidential nominee. I wanted to run through the current nominees and give you my take on how the game is going. Regardless of the economy, the Republicans are going to have a tough time capturing the presidency again. Incumbent presidents have only lost 3 times in the last 80 years. (Jimmy Carter, George H. W. Bush, Gerald Ford)

Other than Romney there are several other candidates. Here is the list of those candidates I best think could capture the nod. Early polling shows Romney and Bachmann at the top of the pack but there is still a long ways to go.

Mitt Romney-Former Massachusetts, Governor, Stake President, Assistant to the President

Strengths: a very successful businessman and venture capitalist and successful governor. Excellent track record for dealing with economic and financial difficulties.

Weaknesses: At times Romney can seem a little too bland or robotic. Also, the state health care plan he instituted in Massachusetts may seem too close to Obamacare.

Jon M. Huntsman – Former Utah Governor, US Diplomat to China, District and Zone Leader on his mission,

Strengths: An accomplished governor and diplomat. He’s a pretty moderate and could gain a lot of swing votes. I think he’s a stronger candidate in the general election but a weaker candidate in the primaries.

Weaknesses: He’s not so well known and his stance on civil unions could hold him back from capturing the Christian Right.

Michelle Bachmann – Minnesota Representative, head of Tea party Caucus

Strengths: Charismatic, and has captured the anti-establishment tea party fervor.

Weaknesses: She seems inexperienced, (she’s only a 3 term representative) and too radical to win a general election.

Newt Gingrich – Former Speaker of the House

Strengths: Seasoned and accomplished legislator

Weakness: After so many years in congress, and three marriages he also has a lot of skeletons in his closet. Plus his stance on medicare is going to make it difficult for him to win a lot of votes.

Rick Perry – Texas Governor

Strengths: Charismatic and excellent campaigner. Successful governor.

Weakness: He’s a Texas governor, it just seems too soon.

Tim Pawlently – Minnesota governor

Strengths: Excellent communicator and a good middle class back ground. Governors and Senators seem to always win the Presidency (another knock on Bachmann).

Weakness: He’s struggling to raise the soft and hard money to finance a campaign.

A Few Common Social Rules

So as we know there are so many unwritten social rules in our society. I was thinking about these different rules and I thought I would try to compile a list for your aid.

Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

There is nothing wrong with holding hands or showing your affection to your significant other in public. An occasional peck, hug or even kiss on the cheek is acceptable as well. But, let’s draw the line here no making out, or better yet no open mouth kissing. It’s not classy and no one wants to see two overly excited teenagers or college students eat each other’s face. It’s awkward enough as it is with your teeth or maybe even braces clanging against each other. Save that type of thing for a more private setting. And no you still can’t make out in a movie theatre. I don’t care if it’s dark and if you think everyone else is watching the movie, it’s not right.

My friend Tyler (you know the tall guy, with red hair, owlish figure) recently got married. Before his wedding I had never really seen him be too affectionate in public so it was a little strange to see him peck and kiss his lovely wife. At the reception after they cut the cake and of course smashed cake in each others’ faces, Tyler swooped in for a big open mouth kiss. Many of his friends and I were stunned to see such a kiss from Tyler and in front of so many people. Of course such a kiss was reasonable being his wedding day and so on. But, it was still a little weird and uncomfortable. Open mouth kisses are better left for a private setting.

Answering the phone in the library

I don’t know why people think this is acceptable, is definitely frowned upon. You can maybe answer your phone in a public area if only to quickly say “I’m in the library, call you back” Or if you are in the process of quickly leaving your study area to talk in a more secluded setting. You look like a gerk and no one wants to hear you argue with your mom or sister on the phone while they are trying to study.

Overdress than underdressed

Okay, I don’t know much about fashion. I’m still at the point where I look at clothes for the purpose of properly covering myself. Things such as plaid, paisley, or arguyle baffle me. But, I do know that in certain settings your manner of dress differs. A general rule, I think is good to follow is that it is better to overdress than underdress. I’ve been the gerk that shows up to a wedding reception in jeans far too often, it’s not so deece.

Ipod in public

If you’re walking around with your Ipod and someone stops to talk to you, take out your headphones. Even if the music is off, it still looks weird and the person you’re talking too doesn’t necessarily know if you’re listening to them or Selena Gomez. It’s the polite thing to do and will lead to a better conversation. Also don't sing along to your Ipod, it's weird and confusing to others, but if you do decide to do so keep it quiet. Finally, don't have your Ipod so loud that other people can hear it. It's slightly annoying and it's just weird for everyone else.

When it’s acceptable to call/text someone?

Don’t call or text anyone to initiate conversation or communication before 9:00 AM or after 10:00 PM. Very few people are truly morning people and if they are it’s just weird to get a call that early. Any time you get a call around this time from a random friend you’re always anticipating some emergency arising or that their call will be very important. But, it’s probably not. Everyone needs their personal time so keep the phone calls and texts during this hour to minimum. Of course, there are exceptions depending on your relationship with the person, of if you were just with the person you called, or if they initiated contact etc… But in general try to do this and it will help many people get a better night’s sleep and cut down on booty calls.

The exclamation point!!! Did words lose their meaning?

I don’t know what has happened in the last ten years or so but there has been an explosion in the use of the exclamation point. I realized this last week when I got an email from someone who replaced all of the periods in the email with exclamation points. If this person wanted to emphasize how excited she was then she would add some additional exclamation points! See the email below:

Hi Guys!! Please check out this months newsletter for upcoming in-services and court hearings! Yay for summer starting!! Even though summer is a busy time please make sure to stay in contact with the kids you are working with!

The exclamation point is defined as a punctuation mark usually used after an interjection or exclamation to indicate strong feelings or high volume (shouting), and often marks the end of a sentence.

An example would be someone yelling “Look out!” or “Leave!”

Knowing this definition greatly changes the this email. If this email was a conversation the sender of the email would sound deranged. Could you imagine conversation where someone was yelling the entire time?

HI!! PLEASE SEE THIS MONTH’S NEWSLETTER! YAY FOR SUMMER STARTING! MAKE SURE TO STAY IN CONTACT WITH THE KIDS WHOM YOUR WORKING!

If people talked the way we use exclamation points in texts or emails, then many of our conversations would sound like two Drill Sergeants taking turns yelling at each other.

Now I realize that in texts an exclamation point adds a certain flourish which at times can make statements funnier, communicate sarcasm, or make them more emotional. But I still argue that the exclamation point is overused. I use the exclamation point primarily to make my statements seem more emotional or grateful. Today when I’m texting I feel like a cold hearted gerk if I don’t add an exclamation point after I say “Thank you” or “It was good to see you”. If I tell someone I’m so excited to see them, doesn’t that mean exactly that? Do I need an exclamation point to make my words genuine? Nonetheless, I use this cheap trick to try to make my words seem more genuine and meaningful.

The quote below I think accurately surmises my thoughts on exclamation points.

Cut out all those exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own jokes.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

If we are able to effectively to write and communicate ourselves then we really don’t need to use the exclamation point. A loud exclamation point shouldn’t be used to make sense of our statements. So from now on I’m changing how I text and email. Unless what I’m saying is something I would actually yell, then I’m not going to use the exclamation point. That’s right no more texts from me like

Thanks!

Hey girl, do you still want to meet up late tonight!?!

I love a good Jdawg!

Or emails with lines like

I look forward to seeing you!

If you have any questions let me know!

In conclusion, pay more attention to how use the exclamation point, I know I will. And yes, the overuse of the exclamation point is not deece!!!!!!!!!!!

Chase Hansen

The Hierarchy of Communication

1.   Face to Face Chatting

We all know this is the best way to talk to someone, you can see their body language, see what they are wearing, there are no barriers or hindrances to communication. Although it may be awkward to tell someone how you really feel in person at times it is almost always the best way to communicate and get to now someone. Non verbal communication,  tone, and volume are also reflected, you learn way more about someone communicating like this than in any other way.  

2.   Phone

A nice long phone chat is a must if you want to be good friends with someone. Exchanging jokes, waiting out the awkward pauses, and laughing with someone on the phone is one of the better ways to communicate with someone. Although you can't see their face, you can still communicate with someone really well this way. 

3.   Letter or a note

Letters are personal and can be very emotional. This is why girls write and send off missionaries. I mean c'mon who doesn't want something in the mail, everytime you get a letter it's like you won something cool. Because letters are so painstaking to write they are often more personal and emotional than other communication. No one wants to take the time to write out small chat, they would rather write about how much they love you, or in the case of Chelsea Jones writing me on my mission, she wrote about how Buckley Hoffman was a much better kisser than I was. 

4.    Skype or Video Chat

Video chats are always weird because of the pauses, the fact that the other person is staring at themselves in the lower right corner of the computer and because it's just weird to watch someone through a screen. It's like your interrupting their life to watch them in their bedroom.  it is nice to chat and see the person. Despite the pauses, lag, and awkwardness. Video chats can be fun, like when you dress up, undress, bring props, and enjoy making funny faces. Also through some webcam and video chat services you can add hearts or party hats to yourself. That's deece and jokes like that are underutilized. 

5.     Texting

I still believe and value texting as a means to get out info to a lot of people fast, exchanging a quick joke, communicating when you can't call or telling someone something small. Texting is often confusing and painstaking when it comes to exchanging important info. It's nice that is so direct and someone nearly always reads a text the moment they get it, and then they will wait five minutes just to make the person think they actually have things to do. Texting is nice way to joke and keep in touch with friends but it's not the best way to actually get to know them. Returning a call with a text is almost an insult. Your dropping down 3 levels of communication. If someone wanted to text you, they would. If they wanted to call you, they probably don't want a text a back, unless you're in a setting where you can't talk. 

6.     Email 

Email is nice because you can type so much faster than you can write or text. You can communicate yourself usually pretty effectively but at the same time email at times almost too much of a business or robotic feel to it. I love to exchange stories, and catch up with friends but really how many of your friend's email addresses do you have?

7.     Gchat

Gchats great for exchanging quick jokes, links to pictures of Lady Gaga. I like how it's sort of exclusive like you don't Gchat with just anyone (although google is trying to change that by automatically adding everyone). It's quick and easy and if the person you're chatting with has a GWAM (generated words a minute, pronounced like the Island Guam) higher than 50. You can get some good quick jokes and responses. But's its too casually to be considered great conversation.

8.     Tweet

Twitter is great! I love reading tweets. Twitter is an extremely effective way to communicate jokes, basic information, pictures and video. Getting your tweets retweeted, is like the best thing ever. Also, anyone's going to feel good to get a mention on Twitter. But 140 characters isn’t enough to say anything really important or effectively communicate a great idea. Obama’s attempt to explain his plan for defecit reduction and economic recovery through Twitter is like Einstein trying to explain the theory of relativity in an Etch A-sketch.

9.    Facebook post

Okay although there are over 500 Million Facebook users it's not as good of a communicator as Twitter. Twitter is a newsfeed, Facebook is a database. Facebook posts are similar and even below a Tweet.  Not everyone is necessarily going to see it and even those who do probably don’t even want to see your Great Aunt asking about your dating life on your Facebook wall. Facebook posts are good for quick exchange of a funny anecdote, article, video, or some quick jokes. You can’t expect any real communication from a post.

10.     Facebook Message 

Messages are a little easier to send out and you can display more information. This is an effective way to get out info about an upcoming party or if you’re really desperate you can ask for a girl’s number through a message. Otherwise refrain from the messaging, use email.

11. Facebook Chat

No one should use the feature. Of the hundreds of friends on Facebook how many do you really want to talk to you? Not that many, let alone you don’t want to be harassed every time you log on Facebook to creep on your friend’s younger sibling or on that really cute person in your class you’ve never talked to or made eye contact with. This chat feature should never be used, except maybe to type Putnam to make a secret emoticon.

12.     Myspace/LDSplanet/Craiglistads/AOL Instant Messager etc 

Okay all of the above forms of communications are a joke. If you use these or think about using them you deserve to be called a nooooooob. They are obsolete, weird and not really used by anyone any more. Although I will admit Kesha has some pretty tight Myspace pics and vids. These things should become obsolete and forgotten about just like the Pony Express, the Telegraph and Pigeon Mail.  

Final question. Where would you put a telegram? I figured it too outdated to discuss, but if I got a telegram I sure would be pretty pumped.

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