The Secret to ACHIEVING goals like a BOSS!

I’ve been setting and failing to achieve goals since I was a kid.  Check out this list I found in an old notebook from 1998.  (age 10)

life goals
1 get merried in temple
2 be student body pres.
3 ----- A (straight A’s)
4 become movie writer/director
5 $$$$ get lots of $
6 become a Doctor/ 4 years only
7 have kids
8 pro soccer player

If ‘1998 Steve’ could meet ‘2012 Steve’, he would cry (not because '2012 Steve has failed to fulfill any and all of '1998 Steve's' awesome life goals, but because ‘1998 Steve’ was an unnaturally fragile and emotional boy).  If '2012 Steve' could meet '1998 Steve' he would tell him a super deece secret to achieving goals like a boss…Do you want to know what it is?

DON’T SET HARD GOALS.

I’ve only recently discovered this golden secret and I applied it to my Fall 2012 Semester goals.  In the past, I set semester goals such as "Get a 4.0" or  "Keep your room clean for 21 days" only to disappoint everyone.  This year, I made sure that I "don't set hard goals" and I gotta tell you, so far, I am killing it!  

Here's my list of goals with step by step instructions so you can achieve your goals like a boss too!

Goal #1:  NEVER talk to a girl if you think she is really attractive

                 Step 1: See a beautiful girl

Step 2: Don’t talk to her.

You can walk up to her, you can awkwardly stand next to her, even open your mouth as if you are about to say something but DON’T ACTUALLY SAY WORDS!

Goal #2:     Eat ice cream every day of the semester.

Step 1: Buy a ton of ice cream

Step 2: When you eat breakfast or lunch or dinner, lick your fork and then go dig into a carton of graham canyon.  You don’t have to eat a lot but if you want to then go for it.  I'm already on my second carton and I feel EXTREMELY DEECE.

Step 3:  You can eat frosties and stuff too.

 

Goal #3:    Be late for everything

Step 1:  Don't leave for class or whatever you're going to until like 5 minutes before it starts.

Step 2:  If church is about to start at 9:00 and you get there at 8:57 (happened) sit outside for a few minutes and tweet or look at posters in the hall or whatever just DON’T walk in!  Then, when it is a minute or more after the time you were supposed to be there (9:02), go to where you need to be(also happened).

Goal #4:     Watch “Freaks and Geeks” Season 1

No Steps: Just sit on your butt and don't fall asleep for a few hours and do it before the semester ends.

"How do you know if your goals are good goals?"

Follow this easy method to know if the goals you set are actually good goals:

Ask yourself, "Is this a hard goal?" 

If you answer "yes" DON'T DO IT!  

If you answer "no" then prepare to be a great success!

Good Luck and be sure to let me know about your progress.  I'll keep you updated on mine.  Together, we can achieve goals like a boss.

5 things that I wish were socially acceptable...but aren't

Society is lame and has dumb rules.  Here are 5 things that society should be down with but they aren't.  I ordered them in least likely to become a reality to most likely to become a reality.


1. Indoor Pantslessness


I'm just going to say what everyone is always thinking.  Pants are a HUGE burden and completely impractical!  They don't offer support like briefs.  They don't supply breathing like boxers.  So what are they for?  Why Pants?  I recognize that they protect humans from bugs and weather and probably dogs and stuff so I guess the real question is "Why pants indoors?"

  In an ideal culture/future, you will walk into a fancy restaurant and some Jeeves guy will say, "May I take your pants sir?"  You will slip them off and he will go hang them in the pants room and you can actually ENJOY your Grand Slam breakfast for once without the burden of eating with your pants on.

2.Heelys for All

Close your eyes and imagine something with me.  Or, I guess read this: You are late for class and there is a quiz!  Oh no!  What should you do?  Hours of reality TV and corn nuts have made you incapable of running for more than 40 yards without becoming VERY winded and it's not like you have tiny wheels in your shoes that allow you to---- Wait a minute!  You DO have tiny wheels on your shoes and you live in a society that accepts the fact that having little wheels on your shoes is: 
1) practical
2) awesome
3) super cool
4) convenient
5) fun
6) efficient
7) mighty deece
Seven THINGS!!!!
Not convinced?
Imagine attending a board meeting where everyone is 5 minutes early because they traveled so efficiently on tiny wheels on their shoes.  Imagine the U.S. military traveling twice as fast while using half the energy as they roll down the streets of Kabul.  NOT in a tank but on desert camo heelys.  America's enemies are petrified and surrender their weapons in exchange for this awesome technology. 
Wow!  Nobel Prize!  In a world of uncertainty it's nice to know one thing is certain: Heelys for All = World Peace

3.  Swirly back cowlick hairdo

At the turn of the millennium, some really cool, SUPER POWERFUL guy with a cowlick on his forehead started to tell people that having a cowlick on your forehead was mighty deece.  People believed him and have been molding little ski jumps out of their hair ever since.

 I wish the same thing would happen with the  swirly back cowlick.  I wish preppy kids would spend time each morning making the majority of their hair go one way and then some hairs in the back really flat and go the opposite way of all the other hairs.  We need someone to rise up and be the back cowlick champion.  But is there anyone deece enough to convince the world that having a little swirly cowlick thing on the back of your head is cool?

























This guy?

4.  Wear Cut off Sweats


















I realize that I will unfortunately, most likely, sadly never live to see an Indoor pantslessness society.  But, I am willing to compromise.  If you insist "society" on me wearing clothes, don't insist on them being uncomfortable.  Some Mr. Darcy long ago decided that the more uncomfortable your clothes, the more important and deece you are.
 Clothes person:  You want to look hip?  Here are some jeans that will be hard to put on and cut off the blood circulation in your legs." 
Lay person: "That sounds really uncomfortable."
Clothes person: "More than you can imagine."
Lay person: "Perfect!  I'll take four pair!"

 Mr. Mac Clothes Person:You have a job interview?  Here, wrap this fabric around your neck and make a BIG knot...Good now cinch it up tight on your Adam's Apple. 

Lay Person: This makes it really hard to breath and talk
Mr. Mac Clothes Person: "I know, right!  You are going to do GREAT in your interview."

Practical Alternative:  wear cut off sweat pants.  Everyone knows there is a strong correlation between more cut off sweat pants and:
1)less road rage
2)less complaining
3)more courtesy
4)more brotherly love
All these advantages (probably even more if scientists weren't so lazy about the research) would be ours if we just wore the most comfortable thing besides nothing which is of course cut off sweat pants. 
 If society would just focus on FEELING deece instead of LOOKING deece we would BE more deece. 




5. Listening to "Weird Al" Yankovic

 Weird Al is like Trick or Treating.  You hit a certain age (12 for me) and as much as you'd love to continue liking awesome things, society says "NO!  You're too old Peter Pan"  But let's be honest and reasonable here.  Is Weird Al funny?  Is Weird Al talented?    Do you remember UHF?  Wouldn't society be better if we listened to less songs about the club not being able to handle us right now and setting fire to the rain and more songs about eating too much pizza and pet ducks?


There are tons of other stuff that society should embrace but this is all I have for now.    

Handicap Bathroom Usage

The human being is a fragile, spontaneous life form. Our lives are ever changing – we go to school, we work, we move states, we get in and out of relationships. If asked to forecast what an exact day will look like a year from now, it’s nearly impossible to do so with certainty. There are some things that are near certain, like eating and sleeping, but even those things can vary. You can only be certain of ONE thing: you will need to use the bathroom every single day. Why live your life in the dumps (no pun intended)? It’s time to add a little bit of luxury to your porcelain cruises. I’m talking about incorporating the handicap bathroom into your daily routine.

There are many pros and cons to using the handicap bathroom as well as a few unwritten rules. There are many who think that handicap bathroom use for the unimpaired is illegal. To those who slate themselves into this category I will calm your nerves through the words of my good buddy Thomas Schmokel, a consultant who helps businesses comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act. Schmokel admits, “Although the blue-signed handicapped parking spaces are legally restricted, there are no laws about who is allowed to use a restroom or stall designated for the handicapped. If there are disabled people around, it’s impolite to use the handicapped restroom or stall ahead of them, but if not, you can use whichever one you want. If you like more room or need a place to hang your newspaper, it’s fine.” There you have it: legal and satisfying.

THE PROS:

1. Handicap bathrooms are legally required to have enough space for a wheelchair to maneuver a 360° turn comfortably. As well, handicap bathrooms usually double as family bathrooms. The result: an enormous bathroom all to yourself. When I’ve had a tough day on campus but I don’t feel like going home I’ll mosey on over to the handicap bathroom on the 2^nd floor of the HBLL and turn it into my home away from home.

2. Privacy – there’s no such thing as an HB (handicap bathroom) without a locking door. If you fall into the class of people who can only begin their bathroom procedure if the restroom is completely empty, these locks are like manna from heaven.

3. The HB is a bathroom for “special/unique individuals,” thus when used properly the HB will endow one with a sense of uniqueness and individuality.

4. HBs are far cleaner than their bathroom counterparts. Why? They are underutilized since many people are not familiar with the rules of HB usage.

5. There is a bar that runs adjacent to the toilet. In situations of extreme duress this bar can be used for added support. It’s also handy for hanging up a jacket or BYU custom knitted scarf.

THE CONS:

1. There seems to be an ignominy in being seen leaving a handicap bathroom. Sadly, since HBs are usually located in highly accessible areas this means that your presence in that bathroom has been noted by pretty much the whole community.

2. While on the accessibility issue it should also be addressed that some HBs have sacrificed privacy for added space. There is an HB on the 2^nd floor of the HBLL that sports a huge grate on the door (the good HB on the 2^nd floor is found right when you come down the main atrium stairs). This grate demolishes any sort of sound barrier. I have a roommate who recently had a very embarrassing encounter with said bathroom. When he walked out everyone in the library was laughing at him.

3. HBs normally have the toilet as far away as possible from the door. For those out of shape, this presents a struggle given the large size of the room.

4. Being that HBs are used one-person-at-a-time these babies pose a serious threat. Whatever mess, smell, or crude message you left on the wall can be traced immediately back to you.

5. The feeling of guilt when you walk out to see a line of ten people in wheelchairs waiting for you to finish. At that point you regret adding “watch Arrested Development on Hulu” to your list of things to do in the HB.

THE RULES: Rules to using HBs are derived from the pros and cons list.

1. The first rule to adhere to is to make sure you’ve given yourself at least a fifteen-minute window. The last thing you need is for a class or work to disrupt your amazing experience. There’s nothing worse than wishing you had more time. For some reason unknown one loses all sense of time the second that lock is clicked.

2. After locking the door you must take 3 steps in and stop. Admire your surroundings and make plans for how you will lay out all your stuff – you’re going to be there for a while and you want to make sure you’ve decorated properly.

3. If you decide to watch a show on your laptop or put on some tunes make sure the laptop is placed in a location where it won’t fall down. Once you sit down you’ve lost all agility to save it from a tumble.

4. If/When someone comes and tries the door only to find it locked you are not required to yell, “Somebody is in here!” The moron who keeps on shaking the handle will eventually realize it’s occupied. If someone does continue to try the door for a while you’re allowed to utter a silent prayer that the lock will hold.

5. When leaving the bathroom one must walk with purpose and confidence while making sure not to make eye contact with anyone who saw them leave. Before leaving, make sure no incriminating evidence has been left behind (con #4).

6. Never use an HB that has a faulty locking mechanism or a grate on the door. Life was meant to be enjoyed so lets make sure we’re not putting ourselves in worrisome environments.

Deciding to incorporate HBs into your life and adhering to these rules is the beginning of an exciting new path. I can promise an immediate increase in your physical stature, mentality, spirituality, and overall wellbeing.